


the reason

by paleolithic_demitasse



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Episode: Big Finish Audio Drama 2.5: Broken, M/M, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 06:26:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8275978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paleolithic_demitasse/pseuds/paleolithic_demitasse
Summary: IANTO: It’s… I’m fine now. Honestly.GLENDA: (Sigh) You haven’t been thinking about… doing anything… you know, like, after Lisa?IANTO: No. Not any more.GLENDA: You know, I couldn't bear it… And I know that’s not a reason to stay… to… you know, I shouldn't be the reason-
in the aftermath of broken, ianto begins to sort out how he feels. this is the start of a new chapter, in more ways than one. it's time to do some re-organizing, because he can finally see the reasons to stay.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Day Three of Torchwood Fest, for the prompt 'Extended Universe'. _Broken ___is by far my favourite of the Big Finish audios (although I love all of them, and _Fall to Earth ___and _Ghost Mission ___bring me life), so I thought I'd look at the aftermath of the absolute plethora of emotions that were explored in there. Also, yes, I do know how punctuation is meant to work. I just chose to ignore those rules for _effect _.__

the morning after, nothing felt different. ianto woke up in his flat, alone. he made breakfast. toast. coffee. a side of trying not to think about last night. for a moment, ianto thought about not wearing his suit to work, jack’s words (among other things) still ringing in his mind. he decided against it. best keep up appearances.

the sky was its usual cloudy self. the pavements shone with early morning rain. tiny splashes wherever his feet landed followed ianto to work. he didn’t normally walk, but it helped clear his mind - he could do with a bit of that. the water tower came into view. dread knotted in his stomach. ianto ignored it.

for eight in the morning, the hub was especially quiet. perhaps the universe had sensed that ianto needed a break. not that the universe was ever particularly good to him. dusting imaginary dust off his lapel, ianto went to make more coffee. a sound from behind him made ianto turn in surprise. jack ambled out of his office, yawning. he was wearing the same white t-shirt that had ended up on ianto’s floor last night. jack moved quietly, mumbling to himself. somehow, his softness felt appropriate to the morning. ianto considered changing his mind about the universe.

“good morning si— jack.” ianto corrected himself. jack was his boss, but he was also his friend, he’d made that quite clear last night. (never mind that he’d also slept with the man.)  a small but genuine smile graced jack’s face. “morning.” nothing else was said. the tension dropped out of ianto’s shoulders. jack walked over to his desk. ianto finished making coffee.

it would have been easy to imagine that last night hadn’t happened. ianto wondered whether he should try and do so. he remembered the bar, mandy, the saviour. the other world, his betrayal. jack, screaming. the guilt, an apology. jack, kissing him back. everything that had come after that. slowly, ianto realised that the one thing he would never want for that night was to forget.

it still hurt. it all did. what had happened to lisa, what he’d been through at torchwood and the depression that had plagued him. what he’d almost done to jack. he was still broken. it throbbed faintly, a wound only just starting to scab over. it was going to leave one hell of a scar. he still felt heavy, but the weight that had been pinning him down for weeks was starting to lift. he could feel it: the difference. only recognisable the way a single gasp of air is to a drowning man. he no longer felt like he was running out of reasons.

he could feel it: the beginnings of hope.

ianto took two mugs of coffee in his hands and walked over to jack’s office. he hummed quietly to himself. last night – he had felt something. lots of things. bad things, mostly, but as the night went on, good things, too. very good things. ianto smiled. it was good to remember what it felt like, being okay. being happy, even. of all the things jack had given him, that was by far the most precious.

that wasn’t to say things weren’t still complicated, and difficult, and a bit too messed up in a bit too many ways for ianto’s liking. ianto wasn’t sure where he stood with jack. last night had been… better than good. but ianto himself had said it was just this once. now, they were back to normal. whatever that was. still broken, he supposed, but still dealing with it.

“jack.” the man spun around, grinning as he saw what ianto was holding. “just what i needed to start to morning.” jack exhaled gratefully. “thank you.” he took a sip of coffee, trying not to laugh as ianto inspected him closely, watching for his reaction. jack threw his head back slightly, eyes closed, clearly savouring the taste. “now that,” he said, opening his eyes to look at ianto, “is some really fantastic coffee.” ianto nodded his head in thanks, smiling to himself.

they were silent for a moment. ianto began to leave, but the look on jack’s face told him that he had something else to say. fists clenching, ianto swallowed, hoping that whatever it was, it wasn’t going to be jack taking back the forgiveness he’d given ianto yesterday. maybe he was still angry, too angry to work with him. maybe he regretted last night. wincing inwardly, ianto tried to figure out why that felt like a worse possibility than being suspended, again, or fired. yet, as much as he worried, none of his fears felt founded in the reality of the man in front of him. ianto pushed them down.

jack cleared his throat. “ianto.” he began. “i just want you to remember that i’m here-” unconsciously, jack shuffled from foot to foot, “that is, i’m here for you. whatever you need, whenever you need someone. i’m here.” ianto’s face softened. “i know.” he replied honestly.

ianto left jack’s office, mentally preparing a list of things which needed sorting out, mostly in the archives, that he’d avoided doing in his state of constant tiredness. hopefully, today’s burst of newly found energy would be the beginning of the end to that chapter. ianto turned back to glance at jack, expecting to see his back turned, perhaps taking another sip of coffee.

jack’s gaze met his. for a moment, ianto could imagine that he was looking into the sun. the intensity in jack’s eyes was one he had only seen a few times, one of which had been last night, as he’d-

ianto turned away, feeling like he’d been lit on fire from the inside.

he had no idea what it meant.                                                

maybe some things were best left unknown, unsaid.

ianto headed down to the archives, planning the day ahead of him. he heard the rest of the team come in, one by one. he’d make more coffee later. ianto went to work, navigating the labyrinthine archives with confidence. sort this out, label that, think about what to do with this. perhaps it wasn’t much to be proud of, but it still felt like an achievement to him. ianto nodded slightly to himself, glad to have another reason. it wasn’t always hard work, but it was satisfying. as far as reasons go, his weren’t the worst.

the archives, at long last, were in some semblance of order. jack smiled as ianto explained the new system he’d been working on. ianto added another reason to his list. they continued to talk over mid-afternoon chinese take-out, the rest of the team having trickled back to work some time ago.

ianto hadn’t felt the difference at first, but there was definitely a change in the air around them. he couldn’t tell if it was because something old had been lifted or because new was starting to appear. he couldn’t tell if jack noticed had it too. by the way jack kept glancing over at him when he though ianto wasn’t looking, he assumed that the answer was yes.

he’d think about it later.

besides, right now, he had today to think about. he’d promised his mum he’d be there before six, and ianto had meant every word he’d said.


End file.
